When you’re with someone who has a bruise or a fracture, you see it. You know to be careful. You’re aware of their physical pain. But with someone with an invisible, chronic illness, you can’t see the pain. It’s easy to forget they need to be handled with care. Most chronic patients shy away from sex, not because of a low sex drive but because it can get embarrassing in bed. It’s a task explaining to the guy that it’s okay. Most times, the guy’s reaction makes the girl feel weirder than necessary. It’s the main reason chronic patients do not indulge in casual sex and also make reasons when their partner is in the mood. In reality, even chronic patients are just as sexual. Sometimes, kinkier than the normal ones cos they’ve let go of inhibitions. Try accepting us as we are, with our flaws and we’ll turn your world around. I’m not saying every sex session is going to be mind-blowing. Or that it’ll be the best sex you’ve ever had. But it will open you up to a world you never knew existed. It will teach you things about yourself. It will teach you sex can be fun. Irrespective of the person you’re with, if you accept them as they are, it will be fun. But for that, you need to stop setting standards about sex and just go with the flow. Be able to laugh. A multitude of things can go wrong when having sex with a chronic patient. I’ll focus on Neuropathy, Fibromyalgia, RA and Lupus. What I say is from experience. Personal and other chronic patients.
First, I’ll talk to the guys. Then to all you beautiful ladies fighting an invisible monster.
So men. You want that hot girl to sleep with you? Listen to her when she’s telling you about her illness. If you don’t, she ain’t sleeping with you. If you do, what she says will come in handy when things get awkward in bed. From a muscle pull to a pain flare. A lupus attack to vaginal pain. Anything can happen. But that doesn’t mean the fun stops. If the girl says she wants to try that new position , it’s cause she feels she can do it. Encourage her. If mid-way, she can’t, don’t give her hell. She’s already beating herself up for not being able to do it. Be supportive. Suggest an alternative instead till she feels better. You can go back and try that position when she’s more confident. We all have our good days and bad days. Understand that. When she’s having a good day, go all out. When it’s bad, go vanilla.
Here are the things that can/have gone wrong in real life.
1. You’re going down on her (if you aren’t, start doing it), and she starts to shake. Its okay. Take a break. Her body will calm down. Once her body calms, resume it. And carry on.
2. If it’s your first time together, she’ll be tense. Her body will close off. Foreplay is your friend. It’ll help her relax.
3. If she’s giving you head and suddenly her gag reflexes get sensitive, don’t give her shit about it. She’s feeling bad enough. Switch to something that’s pleasurable for both. Or savour that neck of hers and make her forget what just happened.
4. You’re all fired up and ready to get it on. While getting into position, she gets a muscle pull. Wait. A few moments and a little rubbing will ease the pain and you can get back to it.
5. A bad fibro flare but she’s horny as hell. She’s in severe pain all over but wants that sex. Be patient. Be slow. Be considerate. Figure what position is most comfortable for her. This is where you say no to kink. However bad she wants it, you say no and go old school, missionary and slow.
6. She’s having an okay day. But she can’t get you off. Reason? She’s not as turned on. She’s exhausted. Don’t close yourself to her. She’ll never forget how she was incapable. Instead, talk about it, be able to laugh it off. Let her get rest.
7. At any point during the night, she has an attack. Now if you were listening to her, she’d have told you exactly what to do with an attack. Don’t freak out. Hold her. Wait till the attack passes. Let her gather herself and she’ll be ready to go right back where you left off.
8. Most women have Poly-cystic ovaries. Sometimes, sex is painful. Be understanding. There are other things to do other than penetrative sex. If you hold it against her, you don’t deserve sex at all.
9. Sometimes, she initiates the sex. Then 5 minutes in, she’s not in the mood. It’s her health. Not her decision. Be understanding. She’ll make it up to you when she can.
10. On most days, she will want you to ravage her and have crazy monkey sex that will take you both over the edge. She will tell you this only if she’s comfortable with you and you’ve managed the previous 9 problems successfully. On those days, it’s no holds barred. Our meds give us a very high libido. Go live your fantasies. We’ll probably enjoy them as well. So men, if you want to unleash the sex demon within, be considerate enough about our chronic illnesses
Now to the women fighting an invisible monster.
1. Be vocal about your condition before even thinking about sleeping with him. If he ain’t listening, walk away.
2. Never apologize for your condition. You didn’t ask for it.
3. Be proud of your journey so far.
4. Find a guy who understands. They are around.
5. Know your body and your limitations. Push yourself but not so much that you cause permanent damage.
6. When in bed, let your inhibitions out the door. Go wild, go crazy.
7. Be open to trying new stuff. You just might enjoy it.
8. If you can’t deliver, it’s NOT your fault. It’s okay. Try again.
9. Be vocal about what your feeling: pain, pleasure, exhaustion.
10. Don’t be ashamed of your body. If you can’t love it, you can’t expect the guy to love it.
So girls and guys, you’re allowed to be turned off. You’re allowed to be horny as hell. Find someone who matches your sexual drive. Be vocal. Be able to laugh. And have fun. It’s not a test that you HAVE to pass. Your illness does not define the quality of sex. Men: Chronic patients are just as sexual as normal ones. So go out there and have fun. But always use protection. You may be on a plethora of meds but the rubber stays.